I first want to qualify this post by stating that all you singles out there playing the field, this post probably isn't as relevant to you. Honesty and treating people with respect and dignity is always a relevant issue However, I was once young and single and at one time dating two ladies.When you are young and feeling your Oats it's a different season of life. The subject of being a player and handling the feelings and needs of one or more partners is a whole other topic which we may tackle on another day. Today however, I want to talk about the role of honesty in the context of a relationship. On the surface it would seem to be a no brainer right? If you are in a committed relationship with another person whether it be straight or gay, The only right thing to do is to be straight forward and open about yourself, your needs, your past, you feelings and so on, right? Then why is it that so many people have such a hard time actually doing this? Especially when It comes to our sexual history our sexual needs and our hang ups and fetishes? Sex and Intimacy or maybe the lack thereof, is often one of the hot button issues that causes resentment and fighting between couples. There are times when we all think that knowledge of some person or event from our past may change the way our partner feels about us if they find out. The truth is, that all too often the person we are with finds out about our past anyway and the resulting feelings of distrust end up creating a much more dramatic scene out of what could have been a simple conversation and an opportunity to bond. Hell, you may even find out that the thing you were worried about just might have the opposite effect on your partner and make them bond with you even more.
The key to maintaining an honest relationship is the ability to communicate in an open and accepting manner. Many of us in North America have Puritanical roots and speaking openly about sexuality is one of The most difficult things some of us will ever do, even with a kind and accepting partner. the problem often isn't with the partner it's with our own roots and the feelings of shame and insecurity about the base needs and feelings we all have around sexuality. The way I see it there are three main hurdles that must be overcome in order to begin an honest and frank discussion about an issue.
1. To get the courage to speak up about it in the first place.
2. Finding the right time and place to begin the conversation.
3. knowing how to start.
Let's start with the first hurdle. The decision to have a conversation of some great importance where you; a) reveal something about your self that puts you in a vulnerable position or, b) you address some issue that you feel must be resolved with your partner, is a difficult decision to make. It is really easy to get the situation all blown out of proportion in our own minds while we preview all the ways it can go bad. Some people have a much easier time having a frank discussion because of the nature of their personality. They are just very up-front people. Thats great if you are one of those people; but if you are not, consider a few bits of advise.
First of all, The sooner you do it the better. If you spend too much Time thinking about the situation your going to either end up talking yourself out of having this conversation all together or... you are going to Build the event up to such great proportions in your mind that you will end up going into the situation from a place of fear and end up lacking the confidence you need to state your case.
Secondly, if you are having difficulty deciding to take action, then maybe you should sit down with a pen and paper and write down the situation you are in as well as the benefits and costs of not taking action. If you have a close friend who you can confide In, maybe it would be worth your while for them to be present when you do this exercise to help keep you honest about the true costs and benefits of the situation.
The second hurdle Is finding the right time and place. Honestly, if you are waiting for the right time and place It probably won't happen and even if it does you won't be ready for it. It's hard to make that transition from nervously waiting to suddenly acting with conviction and confidence. and while you are gathering your confidence, the moment passes you by. The best way to deal with this hurdle is to simply make a Plan to take action in a time and place of your choosing. Contact your partner and let them know you want to meet with them. You don't have to give away anything at this point. just let them know you want to meet someplace where you two can talk. It should be someplace where you both have the time and the privacy to be alone or at least out of the way of all your daily distractions. this is The time to take The Bull By the horns so to speak and make this happen in a way that is safe and balanced for both of you, maybe a Good way to do this is to take a drive But make sure you have someplace to park before getting into deep conversation. If this is a situation where maybe you don't trust your partners reaction and you don't feel comfortable being alone with them in a car. Go someplace where you can "hide in plain sight" and where your partner will have to think twice before blowing up in public. I am not saying it will for sure prevent a blow up because In todays society making a scene in public is not a deterrent like it was for my parent's generation. But at least you will both feel safer about expressing yourself without the threat of aggression.
Third and last hurdle is often just plain knowing how to start. Do you just blurt it out? Do you ease into it? There probably isn't a standard approach for everyone in every situation. The hardest part of it often is getting those first words out. It helps to have rehearsed a bit what you might say. It is also important to pay attention to how you say it. Your body language and your tone speak volumes before you even speak the message. It is important to make not only your partner but yourself feel at ease so pay attention to your body language, if you are nervous and tense you will reveal that in your posture and your face as well as your eyes. the eyes truly are the window to the soul. Take a deep breath, and take a moment to release the tension in your shoulders, back and face before beginning.
some possible ways to begin might be:
- "I've been meaning to tell you something."
_ " I have something I want to talk about."
It is important to keep the Tone relaxed as much as possible. if are bringing up something to your partner that they might have done to hurt you, you may be tempted to start with an accusatory tone like:
"do you KNOW what you did to me?" while you are wagging your finger at them. But if what you want is a peaceful resolution I can assure you this probably ain't the way to go about it. remember the end goal here is to maintain a healthy balanced and good feeling relationship so keep your actions congruent with that goal.
I hope this helps. have a Great day :)
